Around this time of year, Bryan and I set aside some time to talk about how our marriage is going. Recently I’ve been thinking about several formative events of our marriage that I think can serve as little pieces of wisdom for those looking for lifetime partners. I am choosing four of them and framing them as test, but that might imply that these intentional. They weren’t at the time, but if I had been intentional, I would have been even more certain in my choice of partner. Ok. So here are the 4 Tests: The Communication Test, the Teamwork test, the Oh Crap Test, and The Unhibited test. I will describe what each of the tests is about and how I implemented them.

The Communication Test

This test gets at how well couples communicate with each other. Not how much couples agree with each other or have in common, but how well each person listens and shares. I would say the way we implemented this was through our pre-marital counseling. We each took the same test separately (we weren’t allowed to talk to each other about it until we had both finished). The test asked us to answer questions about our personal view and about what we thought our partners views on topics that are common stressors in a marriage. The test is not designed to tell you whether you should or shouldn’t get married, but rather whether you have communicated and are aware of these issues before you become legally tied to each other. The person doing the pre-marital counseling was then supposed to use the results of the test to identify places where you may not have communicated with your potential life partner and help you facilitiate those conversations, if necessary.

The Teamwork Test

This test helps you see how well a couple works together, how well couples take instruction from others, and how well couples take instruction from each other…particularly when stressed. My rafting guide friends would say I implemented this test when I took several potential suitors whitewater rafting.  This wasn’t my intention. I just invited a friend to do something that I thought was a lot of fun, but now I can see their point. Whitewater rafting requires a healthy respect for water, for everyone to agree who is in charge and calling the shots (the guide!), patience, listening carefully, watching each other closely to stay in rhythm, doing what one is told (instantly!!!!), and working together to achieve a goal…at least for the advanced level of rafting that I do. Mistakes could lead to injury or death. Both the guide and I would give instructions on paddling technique in particular, which ensures a powerful, consistent stroke. My current husband passed the test with flying colors and I would say that what I see when we work together in the raft is what I see when my husband and I work together off the water. One suitor was so arrogant, that they fell out of the boat on flat water! Not long before he fell out, I remember him saying something like…”Why do we even need a guide. I mean, it’s not that hard. It’s like Darwinism, you either figure it out or you don’t. Survival of the fittest!” That might be fine on flat water or class I rapid, but not in a boat on an advanced rafting trip with strangers. Needless to say, he failed the test!

The Oh Crap Test

This test explores how (you and) your partner reacts when the best laid plans go to hell-in-a-handbag. Do they go with the flow? Do they get angry? Do they cry? Do they create another plan? Do they shut down? When my husband and I were dating, we had planned a date to go dancing. I don’t really dance, but I dressed up. I mean, I actually dressed up! Spaghetti straps, bare shoulders, fitted-top, sequins, bright blue, ear cuffs – definitely out of character for me. Well, when we got to the place, they had decided to hold a last minute concert and we didn’t have enough money to get in. So we drove pretty far away to go to another place, which was closed. So we want to a nearby dairy queen and had shakes, while we decided what to do. We were the best dressed people there. In the end, we decided to go back to his place and watched, “So I Married An Ax Murder”.  I appreciated my husband’s calm approach. He wanted to know what I thought and wanted to do. I could see that his approach would deescalate situations rather than increase the tension. Exactly what I wanted in a life partner. We affectionately call this “Our Failed Date”, and it was definitely one of our most favorite and formative memories.

The Uninhibited Test

This test gives one an idea who your partner is when they are not actively controlling themselves (e.g., their behavior, their language, their opinions, etc.). In other words, how are they when they are uninhibited. I’ve read lots of news stories and watched many relationships of friends/family/acquaintances where I have read/heard someone say something like, “that wasn’t me”, “that’s not what they are really like”, or “it was the booze talking” when they or a partner was drunk. I’ve sort of suspected that these statements aren’t entirely true, but that was just a feeling. Recently, I read an article that suggests that alcohol doesn’t change your personality. In a way it reveals the real you when you are not on-your-toes. As a scientist, I try to be skeptical of every article that I read. So I won’t say that I’m wholeheartedly on the bandwagon yet. But if for a moment, I believe this article then it would suggest that knowing who your partner becomes when they are uninhibited is actually important in knowing what one may be getting in to. I’m not suggesting that one gets their partner drunk, but observing your partner in a situation where they are not actively controlling themselves to create the image they want to show you and/or the world might be highly informative. I know that when I have a bit too much to drink, I become a little silly and very sleepy. I would say this definitely is an accurate reflection of what I am trying to control when I am not tipsy. I work a lot and force myself to stay awake so that I can be alert. Also, I want to be more silly than I am, but as a short black women in physics I would never be taken seriously if I didn’t present an air of confidence and control. My husband is a connoisseur of alcohol. I’m not sure that I have ever seen him inebriated. If I have then I would say he remains calm and controlled. He always makes sure that if he is going to drink a large quantity of alcohol, that there is a designated drive or that he will have plenty of time and food so that he can recover before needing to drive. He takes his time to slowly savor the experience: the sight, the smell, the taste (front, mouth-feel, finish). This all lines up with what I see from my husband everyday.

So, these are the four tests and how I see them playing out in my life with my partner. I don’t think any of these tests will tell you whether or not the relationship will work. But taken together with a lot of reflection, will help one spot potential trouble spots and decide whether they are issues that can or should be overcome. Do you have additional preferences that should be considered along with the four tests? For example, I want to live in a small town, I want to be near mountains, I want a a partner that will give me substantial independence to do things by myself or with my friends (and the same for them), I want a partner that enjoys doing things with me, I want a partner who has friends that I enjoy spending time with too. These are all preferences, but they are important to me at the moment. It is possible that you will change or your partner will change? Are the places where you don’t agree that are worth compromising over or are they deal-breakers? What is your tolerance for disagreements on a fundamental level? After 10 years of marriage and reflection on that marriage, this is where I am. I’m curious to see whether I still agree with this post in another 10 years!